When text messaging first came around I was not amused. It was tedious and tried my patience. I did play around with it though. Then when the 'auto complete' came along I was tickled pink!! I was with Steve at the time...and I started using it all the time while he was at work. And this aggravated him. Because he couldn't figure it out. He would call me..."Jowal will you stop 'texting' me at work? I find it very distracting! He would demand to me. But as you can imagine this was his mistake. And I 'texted' him all the time from my office. Until finally he figured it out. Then my hell began. Text after Text after Text. It drove me out of my mind. I remember one incident I was standing in the bank and I got one. It read something like...'I love you snookawookum...hope you drove safely to the bank.' That was the final straw for me. Steve was a transportation manager. And every other fucking word out of his "TEXT" would include something to do with safety. Once out of the bank and in my truck I called him at once. "Listen you son of a bitch! Stop with the fucking 'texting' or I am going to call and have your phone shut off!!" I said. "Ohhhhhh" he said.
"How you like me now?" He so crassly spoke. Payback is a bitch.
Lately though, text messaging has become a very good way for me to communicate with my parents. Although Steve ruined it for me and I went on for many years refusing to text with anyone. I have come to appreciate it's cheap, short and sweet manner. So with that. I use it regularly. Even to my parents.
Now my dad is new to a cell phone in general. I think he may have been steady with his current one for about 3 years or so. And I recall when I home this past winter how excited he got when it rang or made any sort of noise. He was promptly there to check it out and see what was happening. He even...had his own customized voice mail greeting. This impressed me. So this year. Because he and y mother where on vacation at the time. I sent him a Happy Father's Day Text. And being as clever as I am! I even did it ahead of time and then scheduled the delivery @ 6am on Fathers Day. A week Early. And it was not a clerical error on my behalf. I was astounded at the end of the day that I had not gotten a text back from him. He usually texts me right back.
So I called him by the end of the day. He was chuckling at me. "What is so funny?" I ask feeling a complex coming on. "Son, father's day is not until next week" he said laughing his ass off. OK I get it! HA HA...So I repeated the process for the following week...and alas...I got my thank you return text.
My mother on the other hand is no stranger to a mobile phone. She has had one since the old brick models of the mid 90's. And since then has had some pretty flashy ones. Some really nice phone's. So recently I get this text. About a week ago.
>from mom< 'I upsEt oh i ugh an i an few nonmom' Sent:July 20, 2009 05:45:25pm
This naturally alarmed me. I thought something was very wrong. And the images going through my head as to why she would have such a message to send was maddening. I call straight away.
She is laughing her ass off. My dad is laughing in the back round. I am not amused. "What the fuck is going on?" I ask. "I just can't figure out how to text" she said..."it just makes up it's own words"
After that was cleared up...fast forward to yesterday. I send her a text following up to our earlier phone conversation about my shoe shopping.
>to mom< ' I got a pair of overpriced George shoes...they should be good till first snowfall' Sent: July 24, 2009 06:45:52pm
This is what I get back....
>from mom< 'Shot II jon what jon pig pig are' Sent: July 24, 2009 03:49:55pm
This sends me in to a fit of laughter as I am standing at an intersection. So much so that I had to collect my self on a telephone pole. Not because it was all that funny or even the fact that she actually saw what it said and still hit send! BUT! Or the fact I now knew her phone was locked in 'auto complete' mode and she could not figure out how to get out of it. The funny part was. because of my auto complete experience. I was able to translate it. 'Should I know what George Shoes are?' is what she meant to ask!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
MVOCS- Season 16 Episode 247- How to Completely Fuck Up Haddock ChoWda
On today's episode I would like to show you how I completely fucked up what could have been a perfectly rich Haddock ChoWda. It could not be any easier. But of course. I will also have a fix.
Let's get started with your shopping list.
2 pounds of haddock fillets (unless you are cooking for a fucking fishing crew get more)
1 can or 2 of the small cans of UNSWEETENED condensed milk!!
1 quart of whole milk
2 pounds of fish heads or better yet shrimp heads...any thing with the brains still in them...or just buy some pre-made fish stock.
1 stick of butter
1/2 pound of slab bacon DICED (it is easy to get now...if you can't get it just get the thickest you can find dice it up...just make sure knife is sharp as shit)
1-2 Sweet Onions...I always try to use Vadalia...if they are in season. If they are not I use a red onion to make it pretty!
Some Fresh Corn as much as you like to add...I prefer a bit more rather then less....
A bag of those cute little baby Yukon potatoes.
I think that is every thing. For now. The basics you should already have in your pantry.
ChoWda is indeed something I enjoy making on rainy days...especially if I had to be wet as
a result of it. You know, one of those days when you walk in the door and you are drenched.
How about a fucking choWda!
First...I know not everyone has direct access to fish heads like I do. But if you can get them...get them...the boiled brains make a very rich stock. And that is how you want to get it started. I usually throw the heads in with a cup of brandy...or water if no brandy on hand. An you want to boil these mother fucker's till they practically melt. Use a stock pot. Keep adding fluid. And reducing it. Do this for as much as you have time or patience for. I have done it for an entire day a few times and the results where priceless. OF COURSE the key is getting it drained. Use the most micro strainer you can find.
Or just bring your store bought fish stock to a boil...you can achieve the same sort of richness by buying a few containers and continue reducing it and adding more. Once it is drained and reduced you can add the haddock. I cut it in 1" chunks.
Meanwhile in the actual soup pot. You are browning your bacon. And yes a separate pot. Reason being is I usually like to make enough choWDa to freeze. But, in my experience you can not freeze a choWDa that has all the ingredient's combined with the protein. Now I do not know this to be a fact. If you are actually a certified cook and you know other wise well then do as you please. OR If you plan on stuffing yourself in one sitting then by all means use one pot. I prefer to mix the fish cooked in the stock and the chowder parts just before serving and the same for freezing them. Separate!
Once the bacon is browned add the onions. I do not dice them I like to sliver them. I like slivers of onions in my choWda. Cut them how you want. Then you can start to add the liquids (less the stock if you do it my way) ...once the onions start to appear clear. And don't curdle the fucking milk...let it all cool off a bit before you go throwing in milks and such. Let it all slowly come to a boil.
Your corn and potatoes have been what??? Whats the only way I make corn???? HMMM?
ROAST!!! You roast the ears of corn and the potatoes. Just roast them with a drizzle of oil and Sea salt and pepper. Don't ever fucking serve me ears of corn boiled in water. I will kick you in the chin. So, once they are done roasting you can shave your corn. I usually cut the baby Yukon's in half depending on how small they are and then add them to your choWda.
Serve with driblets of melted butter.
Ok so how did I fuck this up????? I bought sweetened condensed milk. Yep. It tasted like fucking Fish Cereal. It reminded me of the 'rice pudding' my mother used to make me as a kid.
It was rice and and a can of SWEETENED condensed milk. She used to serve it for breakfast and call it rice pudding. It wasn't bad. But with fish it was a fucking disaster.
How did I save it?????? PFFT....Well I was saved because I kept the protein liquid separate. SO!
I roasted more corn....piled it up with corn and potatoes....Added about a 1/4 cup of instant mashed potato flakes to thicken it and changed the name to Roasted Corn and Baked Potato ChoWda!!!!
How about that Bitches....2 great recipes in one great show!!!
Let's get started with your shopping list.
2 pounds of haddock fillets (unless you are cooking for a fucking fishing crew get more)
1 can or 2 of the small cans of UNSWEETENED condensed milk!!
1 quart of whole milk
2 pounds of fish heads or better yet shrimp heads...any thing with the brains still in them...or just buy some pre-made fish stock.
1 stick of butter
1/2 pound of slab bacon DICED (it is easy to get now...if you can't get it just get the thickest you can find dice it up...just make sure knife is sharp as shit)
1-2 Sweet Onions...I always try to use Vadalia...if they are in season. If they are not I use a red onion to make it pretty!
Some Fresh Corn as much as you like to add...I prefer a bit more rather then less....
A bag of those cute little baby Yukon potatoes.
I think that is every thing. For now. The basics you should already have in your pantry.
ChoWda is indeed something I enjoy making on rainy days...especially if I had to be wet as
a result of it. You know, one of those days when you walk in the door and you are drenched.
How about a fucking choWda!
First...I know not everyone has direct access to fish heads like I do. But if you can get them...get them...the boiled brains make a very rich stock. And that is how you want to get it started. I usually throw the heads in with a cup of brandy...or water if no brandy on hand. An you want to boil these mother fucker's till they practically melt. Use a stock pot. Keep adding fluid. And reducing it. Do this for as much as you have time or patience for. I have done it for an entire day a few times and the results where priceless. OF COURSE the key is getting it drained. Use the most micro strainer you can find.
Or just bring your store bought fish stock to a boil...you can achieve the same sort of richness by buying a few containers and continue reducing it and adding more. Once it is drained and reduced you can add the haddock. I cut it in 1" chunks.
Meanwhile in the actual soup pot. You are browning your bacon. And yes a separate pot. Reason being is I usually like to make enough choWDa to freeze. But, in my experience you can not freeze a choWDa that has all the ingredient's combined with the protein. Now I do not know this to be a fact. If you are actually a certified cook and you know other wise well then do as you please. OR If you plan on stuffing yourself in one sitting then by all means use one pot. I prefer to mix the fish cooked in the stock and the chowder parts just before serving and the same for freezing them. Separate!
Once the bacon is browned add the onions. I do not dice them I like to sliver them. I like slivers of onions in my choWda. Cut them how you want. Then you can start to add the liquids (less the stock if you do it my way) ...once the onions start to appear clear. And don't curdle the fucking milk...let it all cool off a bit before you go throwing in milks and such. Let it all slowly come to a boil.
Your corn and potatoes have been what??? Whats the only way I make corn???? HMMM?
ROAST!!! You roast the ears of corn and the potatoes. Just roast them with a drizzle of oil and Sea salt and pepper. Don't ever fucking serve me ears of corn boiled in water. I will kick you in the chin. So, once they are done roasting you can shave your corn. I usually cut the baby Yukon's in half depending on how small they are and then add them to your choWda.
Serve with driblets of melted butter.
Ok so how did I fuck this up????? I bought sweetened condensed milk. Yep. It tasted like fucking Fish Cereal. It reminded me of the 'rice pudding' my mother used to make me as a kid.
It was rice and and a can of SWEETENED condensed milk. She used to serve it for breakfast and call it rice pudding. It wasn't bad. But with fish it was a fucking disaster.
How did I save it?????? PFFT....Well I was saved because I kept the protein liquid separate. SO!
I roasted more corn....piled it up with corn and potatoes....Added about a 1/4 cup of instant mashed potato flakes to thicken it and changed the name to Roasted Corn and Baked Potato ChoWda!!!!
How about that Bitches....2 great recipes in one great show!!!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Pot Head Athlete- More 'POT'
So Yesterday I mentioned in my FB status 'I was feeling productive....'. So I thought I would go and make something of it.... and I did. I accomplished quite a bit...All before noon too. I met with a 'business angel' and I was very pleased with how it went. I left the meeting feeling way better then OK. But, I still felt productive. Until I remembered the DVR back home was recording a movie I could see again...I loved the book hated the movie sort of thing..."Running with Scissors" was on Bravo...so I decided to head home but take my time since it was DVR'ing Right?
Again, I was a little excited about the day and decided to make the longer walk home around 'back cove' instead of the shorter trek up and over the hills of up town Portland. Back Cove is a great part of Portland. It is basically a paved trail that runs along the waterside to get behind the peninsula of the city. Where I live! And it is one of my favorite walks. It must be shared though. With the high sprinting runners in 4 million dollar sneakers that seem to achieve speeds of 100 miles an hour as they sprint by with very impressive speed. But they are no comparison to the speed of the Cannondale cycling athletes....Clearly they achieve even greater speeds....but then, there are the casual slumbers like myself who just smile and stare at the sea while walking a lazy speed. Some... walking dogs. Or even running them.
Just like any other dog walking athletic venturing site seeing trail there are general rules. Very much like traffic flows on a road. One direction on one side-the opposite the other direction. And as I discovered today...it is equally dangerous as a road traffic pattern.
"LEFT LEFT" is all hear from right behind me. I spin quickly and heavily around making sure I fling my hair for effect... and my k nap sack swung with us. BAM! And next thing I know I am on the ground. I look around for a moment and there is poor heavy set girl laying on the ground too. She had been riding her bike... but clearly not at Cannondale athlete speeds. Thank god for me. But unfortunately for her. I still have not removed 'the POT' from my k nap sack.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I demand. I probably should have asked if she was OK but I was pissed and busy checking to see if 'the POT' had been damaged.
"I said 'Coming in from the left' at least three times" she explains as she looks at my pot. "Well what the fuck are you doing assuming everyone has perfect hearing then?" I blurt to her. "You had plenty of time to reposition yourself after your second warning!!!" I say. "Oh you know what fuck you you fucking rude asshole" she says back to me. "Oh Go ride your fucking bike in traffic you dumb bitch." I exclaim as I get up fix my hair...brush myself off and waltz away!
The 'POT' was left unharmed.
Again, I was a little excited about the day and decided to make the longer walk home around 'back cove' instead of the shorter trek up and over the hills of up town Portland. Back Cove is a great part of Portland. It is basically a paved trail that runs along the waterside to get behind the peninsula of the city. Where I live! And it is one of my favorite walks. It must be shared though. With the high sprinting runners in 4 million dollar sneakers that seem to achieve speeds of 100 miles an hour as they sprint by with very impressive speed. But they are no comparison to the speed of the Cannondale cycling athletes....Clearly they achieve even greater speeds....but then, there are the casual slumbers like myself who just smile and stare at the sea while walking a lazy speed. Some... walking dogs. Or even running them.
Just like any other dog walking athletic venturing site seeing trail there are general rules. Very much like traffic flows on a road. One direction on one side-the opposite the other direction. And as I discovered today...it is equally dangerous as a road traffic pattern.
"LEFT LEFT" is all hear from right behind me. I spin quickly and heavily around making sure I fling my hair for effect... and my k nap sack swung with us. BAM! And next thing I know I am on the ground. I look around for a moment and there is poor heavy set girl laying on the ground too. She had been riding her bike... but clearly not at Cannondale athlete speeds. Thank god for me. But unfortunately for her. I still have not removed 'the POT' from my k nap sack.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I demand. I probably should have asked if she was OK but I was pissed and busy checking to see if 'the POT' had been damaged.
"I said 'Coming in from the left' at least three times" she explains as she looks at my pot. "Well what the fuck are you doing assuming everyone has perfect hearing then?" I blurt to her. "You had plenty of time to reposition yourself after your second warning!!!" I say. "Oh you know what fuck you you fucking rude asshole" she says back to me. "Oh Go ride your fucking bike in traffic you dumb bitch." I exclaim as I get up fix my hair...brush myself off and waltz away!
The 'POT' was left unharmed.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
BYE BYE Birdie!! What's New PussyCat?
So recently I have expressed my new development of hatred towards the poor little birds out side my windows in the morning. And again I have come to realize that the problem is the old man upstairs who tosses out full slices of bread out his window for them. This in turn causes the poor little birds to fight over the huge slices of bread. This results in much SCREECHING and nagging amongst them. 'HAWK HAWK...EECHH EECHH CHIKADEE DEE DEE DEEE" UGGGG! And he usually starts this at about 4 am. And this creates a noise that only someone as deaf as myself can not seem to tolerate. Of course the simple solution to this would be to break the fucking bread apart! Or smash his fingers with the pot!! I have asked 'Joe' time and time again. But he just does not seem to get it. Maybe there is a better solution? There is. One step up the food chain.
I came home after a usual stressful day Monday. As I approached the porch...there was 'stray Jay' along with his wife and son. (Yes they all come to visit now) I sat with them on the porch having some smokes talking about lobster and rain. Suddenly out from under one of the over grown Maple tree's in the yard darts out a cat and snatches up one of the birds. Then runs off over the fence with it. "Did you see that?" Jay yells. I was to busy running my mind to answer him. I could not have been more excited. Jay babbled on to his wife about it. It didn't take long before it was forgotten. But not soon enough the cat was back for seconds. He was in stealth mode under the maple tree sprouts. The ones that I will make sure will never get cut down now. Now we were all watching. and WHAM it was off and over the fence with another bird in its mouth.
I was instantly off to 711 for cans of tuna and cream. I was gonna keep this cat happy.
I was never very fond of Kittie Cats. Steve and I had 3 of them back on the Cape. 2 of them came with Steve. The other...Lady Guenevere...we adopted as a small kitten to keep Wadsworth entertained. But he ended up terrorizing her when I moved to Maine without Steve or Mizz Katie and Ozzie. Lady Gwen ended up living in the laundry room. It was no life for her. I found her a happy home with small brats to love her.
And so in my morning bliss...I make sure I put out cream every morning to bring the bird slaying Kittie cat around. And I have enjoyed the capture and death of at least 8 birds in the last 2 days while I sit in the morning sipping coffee at my window.
And just when I though it was over. Just when I thought I could put the pot away in the morning. The guy on the other side of me seems to have hired a 'personal trainer'.
"Hut ONE Hut TWO" I hear this morning. I look over and the two of them are laying on the cold wet cement. Doing fucking sit ups. I reached into the cabinet. Grabbed the pot. This guy has got be fucking kidding me with this. Is he blind? Does he not see me in all my mania? But most importantly...does he think he is exempt from...'the pot'!?
I came home after a usual stressful day Monday. As I approached the porch...there was 'stray Jay' along with his wife and son. (Yes they all come to visit now) I sat with them on the porch having some smokes talking about lobster and rain. Suddenly out from under one of the over grown Maple tree's in the yard darts out a cat and snatches up one of the birds. Then runs off over the fence with it. "Did you see that?" Jay yells. I was to busy running my mind to answer him. I could not have been more excited. Jay babbled on to his wife about it. It didn't take long before it was forgotten. But not soon enough the cat was back for seconds. He was in stealth mode under the maple tree sprouts. The ones that I will make sure will never get cut down now. Now we were all watching. and WHAM it was off and over the fence with another bird in its mouth.
I was instantly off to 711 for cans of tuna and cream. I was gonna keep this cat happy.
I was never very fond of Kittie Cats. Steve and I had 3 of them back on the Cape. 2 of them came with Steve. The other...Lady Guenevere...we adopted as a small kitten to keep Wadsworth entertained. But he ended up terrorizing her when I moved to Maine without Steve or Mizz Katie and Ozzie. Lady Gwen ended up living in the laundry room. It was no life for her. I found her a happy home with small brats to love her.
And so in my morning bliss...I make sure I put out cream every morning to bring the bird slaying Kittie cat around. And I have enjoyed the capture and death of at least 8 birds in the last 2 days while I sit in the morning sipping coffee at my window.
And just when I though it was over. Just when I thought I could put the pot away in the morning. The guy on the other side of me seems to have hired a 'personal trainer'.
"Hut ONE Hut TWO" I hear this morning. I look over and the two of them are laying on the cold wet cement. Doing fucking sit ups. I reached into the cabinet. Grabbed the pot. This guy has got be fucking kidding me with this. Is he blind? Does he not see me in all my mania? But most importantly...does he think he is exempt from...'the pot'!?
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