The weekend was off to an alright start. Friday was horrid with all the rain...but by the evening it started to clear up a bit and I was able to emerge from the house. So I walked around a bit to verify that the Seadogs game had indeed been canceled and for sure there would be no fireworks. And that sucked. I like to sit on the porch and watch the fireworks. I did on a happy note get a call from 'Sunshine'. Sunshine had several weeks ago kicked me to the curb with an Email that offered me no explanation. I figured it was because I had never called him and wished him a happy mother's day! But none the less it was nice to hear from him.
Saturday I wake up to my usual annoyances. The birds. Even with the unlimited smokes in my pocket I still found my self wanting to run out side and smash the birds with my pot. Even though I know it is not their fault. It is actually one of the guy's upstairs fault. And I decide it should be him that gets bashed with the pot. Not the birds. For it is him that sits at his window and tosses whole pieces of bread spread with peanut butter down from his window for the birds to fight over. Of course they have to fight over whole pieces of bread. That is why a considerate person would break the bread into pieces so that all the fucking chirping birds can get some. And not fight over it. Yes so maybe It should be this old mans peanut butter- bread spreading knuckles I should be smashing with my heavy sauce pot. Not the birds! Of course it was time for coffee. After my water is done boiling I carefully prepare the beans that will be ground this morning. It will consist of 2 pinches of Arabic beans, same of Columbia beans, and then only 2 flavored beans of blueberry cobbler New England Coffee. Just the right hint of blueberry. Perfect for a pressed cup of coffee! I used to be intimidated to run the grinder this early in the AM as it sounds like small air planes are landing on the counter. But now I really don't give a fuck! I push that button with evil fury. And I hope it is pissing off the birds. And who ever else may fucking hear it. After some coffee and cigarette's I decided to do a bit of reading. This before I would get the day started. I had a plan. There was another break in the rain and I wanted to go around the corner to the Farmers Market they have on Saturdays at Deering Oaks. I was sure it was the same folks who set up in Monument Square on Wends days...But I never get a chance to stop. Though, I always manage to catch a sign at one stand that reads 'ECONOMY HERBS'. So I needed to see what that was about. Then determine if maybe this was the solution to getting the fresh oregano I desire with only .5" leaves. I am rather fussy about the size of oregano leaves and I need to find some that are 'just so'!. Before I left I knew I needed to prepare. I always bring my k nap sack with me. But. I was concerned that should I find the right oregano...they might need protection. I pondered what I could use to transport them and keep them safe from being crushed by anything else. I thought about the Glad plastic things...with lids...but final choice was to bring my pot with me. It is nice heavy sauce pan with tight fitting lid. I knew this was risky. Especially with the thoughts I have had of smashing people with it. I justified it with the ideal thing to transport the herbs. Plus+++ I recently posted an ad on craigslist to have the pot photographed. I need to do some graphic overlays on a photo of the pot. Since I am not a good photographer. And my finger always manages to show up in the photo's I take. I thought it would be a perfect job for an art student. And with that I packed the pot into my k nap sack. And head off the the farmers market.
After I get done poking around the market disappointed in 'Economy Herbs'. I decide I will head east over to Forest Ave and cut across to Hannaford. I was running low on Italian Sweet Creme'.
So I may as well get some while I am out. On the way there I was approached by a nice looking young man who claimed he had an invitation. He handed me a flyer that said I was invited to go and see Morton Bustard speak!! Oh Yippee I thought. I can't wait. I tossed the paper in to my k nap Sack. As not to litter. But no more then 4 minutes later I am approached by 2 dapper looking young ladies. They are clad with matching suits and skirts. And I wonder how good this could get. From a few feet away I could see they had name tags. And I immediately dismissed them as local Burger King managers. But that was not so. The closer they got they both extended their hands for a friendly shake. Of course I...being the germ a phobic freak that I am declined and instead replaced my curious look with a gleaming smile. Upon a closer look of the name tags I learn they are representatives of the Church of Ladder Day Saints. And I instantly felt the rush flow through my body. I could not even listen to what they were saying. I was so consumed with why this stuff happens to me. And how I was going to deal with it. How could it be? Two religious encounters in a matter of minutes. Could life get any better then this?
"Do the Mormons have a church in Portland?" I ask with fierce jab. "No, it is in Biddeford." replies the nice short girl of the two. "Oh!" I grin my evilest grin "So you have been sent to the gay pride event to canvas and recruit?" I hold my index finger over my lips waiting for the answer. And the question was very cleverly thwarted. And they proceeded to tell me of the church. I think. I did not really hear a word. I was far to busy with the conversation in my head. I knew I had to divide the conversation I was having with myself. So this is how I decide to handle this...I was so excited by this I was sure I had a boner. Only because this shit happens to me! And right at this point. I look at both of my shoulders. One at a time. And then again. "I do not know that I would make a good member of your church!" I speak quick and abrupt. "And there are a few reasons for this...One is that I have a date in an hour with the Gay Pride fest at the park there. And the other reason would be the 2 devils I have with me. One on each shoulder. This is Dick and this is Licker. Dick! is yelling in my ear to stand here and continue to patronize you two lovely ladies. But! Licker! is begging me to withdraw the very heavy pot I have here in my K nap sack and chase you into the park with it!" Of course the two dapper young ladies rushed off towards the park. I was hoping they were not going to go and canvas the
Pride Fest. In my crazy glorious way I also hoped I put the fear of GAYS in them. And Off I waltzed to Hannaford for my tasty cream. Dick and Licker both at my side! I think I will let them tag along for the day.
Meanwhile, back at the digs. I am looking in the mirror at my self. I wonder if I should shave. Maybe even apply some Paul Mitchell gels into my wavy hair. This is after all Pride Fest I was heading to. And I was hoping to network. Or at the very least get a dinner date. I did not shave or apply gel. I put on my favorite T-shirt and Shorts. Packed a hat and jacket in my sack. ( never know when it's gonna fucking rain around here) Right next to the pot. Surely there would be active photographer's at the fest. Surely one of them would photograph my pot.
When I first arrived back at the park it was nice and quiet. Several little booths with all sorts of information and knowledge was to be had. And to my delight...most of them were giving away free things. I was enjoying collecting the freebies...so far I had a red plastic bracelet that lied out loud saying I had quit smoking. It was not hard for me to tell them my recent battle with quitting smoking. At one point I wanted to show them my pot...that I often desired to bash thing and yes even people with. But something stopped me. So off to the next booth I went sporting my new bright red lying bracelet. How fun this was. All this free stuff. Next I got one of the aluminum water bottles that is supposed to be the next big eco friendly thing....DO NOT BUY BOTTLED WATER ANY MORE!! Use this!! Ok Fine. I love mine it is purple and filled with additional gifts. I was almost excited. Then more water bottles. All different colors. Filled with condoms, lube samples and literature. The only water bottle I refused was the one from Band of America. I detest the raping institution they are and was appalled that they were sponsoring such and event. So now my k nap sack was over flowing with things. I think I was pretty much done around here.
Just then I looked across the pond and up towards State St. And there it was. The parade was coming. Oh gee I thought and dashed over to get a better view. As I waited I was once again approached by someone...this time...to get my endorsement to gay marriage in Maine. "Do you support the recent efforts ..... ?" she asked me. I was not really sure if I should lie or not. So I looked for Dick and Licker. They were just smoking on each of my shoulders. "Yes I think it is fabulous" I lied. "Oh great" she smiled and then asked for continued support as well as my name and email. Then she gave me a big round sticker to place on my chest so that I would not be approached again. Of course I like this idea. Although, I could not stop moving the sticker from place to place because it just annoyed me. I eventually chose my sack to put it on. The Parade came. I was unimpressed. I could not believe the size of the Pride flag they carried. It had to be a half mile long. I did not care for this much attention to being gay. I felt I wanted leave then. But not until I watched the funny fat man sing badly rehearsed songs by Donna Summer. It was comical to say the least. Even though It hurt my ears. Just as I was about to call it a day. Something amazing transpired. I saw a man with three cameras. Thats right 3 of them hanging around his neck and shoulders. I could only see him from behind. He was taking pictures of to girls painted gold posing still hugging on a toadstool. Perfect I thought. He must be a professional.
Lets see if we can't get this pot photographed once and for all. As I walked towards him prepared to tap him on the shoulder...he turned his head to the left. I knew the profile. It took but a second...IT WAS HIM!!! "Oh this is just to good to be true!!!" said Dick and licker in Harmony!!
It was the Famous worldly photographer that I had my date with back in April...IT WAS the fucking food addict in recovery!!!! (If this means nothing to you you will have to go back and read this blog So it Goes <<
Now it also included a bunch of rubbers and some Jose Lube samples.....
(I linked both of those products so you could see the similarity...)
I decided then to return some calls....one being my favorite gay superhero who recently made a huge move from Atlanta to NYC. I was curious how he was making out looking for new digs and if he was happy he made the journey. While we were chatting I reached into the collection bowl. And grabbed what I thought was my Lip Oil. I opened it up...and started the application on my lips. It was awful WET!!! It was the lube. I tried rubbing it in...but it only made the whole area around my mouth dripping wet with lube. So I made my way to the kitchen and grabbed a paper towel and attempted again to remove the lubrication. All the while still on the phone. It kind of worked...but now it was insanely sticky!!! And me and sticky do not go hand in hand. At this point I knew the only remedy was going to be a full blown hot steamy shower to get rid of it. But I don't get a chance to get my buddy on the phone that often so I had to stick it out. And my only solution was to get rid of the stickiness was to apply more lube until I finished the phone call. And when the phone call finished a while later I sat there looking out the window. "Great!" I said to Dick and Licker. "ALL lubed up and no where to GO!"
In to the shower I went!
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