Your Friendly Neighbor, Joanne. The Chicken Cutlet Influence

It is no secret that no matter where I end up or land...I find myself in the company of the best of
the crazies. For the first few months living at my new place in Portland. I kept the door locked when I was home. I pulled the blinds though I always stood peering through them. I kept to myself and just worked on writing when I was home. From what I observed there were only men living in my building. Men who always came home with a six pack of beer and a take away meal. I later found out it was a fact. All 10 units in my building are occupied by men. There was how ever... a seemingly drunk middle aged woman who periodically showed up and made rounds to a few of the units. Even spending the night here and there and sometimes even a whole weekend. I was to learn her name was Joanne.

A few weeks ago I was moaning on my Facebook status about making chicken cutlet's. Only to get a knock on the door from 4 of my fellow neighbors + Joanne. And they ended up eating all of my chicken cutlets. They did offer me a beer but, I was still very upset that I only got one chicken cutlets. And it was after the food was all gone that Joanne pulled me aside to discuss the reason for the unannounced visit. "You see Jowal. There is a picnic table leaning on the garage at the house next door." She tells me this with a faint but assertive voice. I notice that although she has almost perfect speech. Her voice is trembling and in need of some sort of addiction. "OK" I say. "What about it?" She walks rather feeble to the window and points it out to me. "Well, with spring just about here, I thought it would make a lovely addition to our little complex here" She smiles and waits for my reaction. But, I didn't give her one. I just took a swig of what I imagine piss to have similar taste test qualities.

Suddenly Joanne becomes very upbeat. The leader of the pack. She started cheering the guys on to go get the picnic table and then tries to encourage me as well. The guys all get very excited and start carry on as if they were about to engage in a bloody warfare mission. "I will have nothing to do with this" I blurt. "Sorry but I am not stealing anything." I take another swig of piss. "Oh we are not going to steal it." says Joanne "I will leave them a note letting them know that we borrowed it and will return it when ever they need it!!" she says. "Get the fuck out of here." I beckon. "That does not make it right or even OK" I say. Then one of the drunk guys proceeds to tell me how the place has been empty since the fall. To this I reply. "Well it is probably a summer home then. And, it is only a matter of weeks before they start spending the weekends here." I could not believe I was even listening to this. Let alone trying to negotiate it. Then I look at my can of piss and see it is called 'Steel Reserve' with an 8.1% alcohol content. How Ironic I thought. Steel Reserve. So after we get the picnic table situated in the perfect place in OUR yard. Down sits Joanne to write the note on a paper plate. 'Dear Neighbors. Hi this is Joanne next door. We have borrowed your picnic table. If you need it back at any time just let us know and we will return it at once. Thanks, your neighbor, Joanne.' She then proceeds over the fence and thumb tacks the paper plate to the wall where the table once was leaning.

Fast forward a few weeks later. A few of us (just me and the guys) are hanging out cooking steaks and...sitting at the picnic table. When a complete stranger walks into the yard and sits himself down at the table. I look over at the empty house and in the driveway is a Volvo and a truck. Fuck I thought. But I was sure the guys would stick to the story that we had no idea how the table got there. "Is Joanne here?" The stranger asks "It does not look like there is a Joanne here." he says with a twinkle. Once again. Oh Fuck I think. "I had been looking through the kitchen window over there thinking how familiar this picnic table looked" he says with a smile. "Then I found Joanne's note!" Just then Ronnie, the resident 24 hour drunk blurts. "Yeah yeah we took the table. We just wanted to borrow it we can but it back." Standing behind him I thought how I wanted slap his bare back with the stainless STEEL spatula. You fucking moron, I thought.

The stranger introduces himself as Jimmy here from Florida and tells us how his mother who lived there passed back in the fall. He then tells us we are welcome to the picnic table and if there is anything else we need out of the house to go have a look as him and his brother plan to put the place up for sale. All the guys run over but I stay minding the steaks. The guys come back with all sorts of things...Tv's, Tv stands, etc. A few hours later the house is empty again. And I feel better that we can now actually not be thieves.

The next day Joanne comes around. I am the first to tell her of the great news. "We can relax now." I say" The table is ours to enjoy!" I smile to her. "Well, I see no one got me any of the curtains." she says "How could anyone leave with out the curtains? Everyone could use free curtains they are to expensive." she babbles. Then to my surprise she sits down at the table and retrieves a pen from her purse. "Can I have a paper plate? she asks. Not really thinking. I go and get her one. She begins writing. 'Dear neighbor, Hi, It's Joanne again...' I rip the plate and the pen from her hands. "No fucking way" I say with authority. "You are not going inside that house and taking the fucking curtains I don't care what kind of note you plan on leaving!" I tear the plate up. "But, I am sure..." "BU BU BU BUT" I cut her off. Go to Walmart buy some cheap sheets I will sew you fucking curtains" I said......the end

Up next...I have attempted to quit smoking with the aid of a drug called Chantix. Of course this has delivered some much needed Drama in my life. :)