Swine I am

This week, though not really dramatic, has been a very busy crazy kind of week so far. I have 4 appointment's to see health care professionals. Two of those (as of Wed) I have already had. The new weekly glbt meeting for homeless youths is underway...Monday's @ 1. And the beginning of a writing course. That on top of the work, writing, and trying to find time to eat. And now it's going to rain the rest of the week. Lovely.

So Monday, I wake up with a really really bad sore throat. A throbbing tooth ache, the shits, and a headache that I assumed was a result of the tooth. Now, I know I am crazy. I know. I know I also have some health issues as well. But, I am dealing with them. And for the most part feel okay. I have close friends that are dealing with some hard battle's this week and I think of them ALWAYS...even in my own cause for alarm. But, even in the thick of it all. I must find some humor some where. So I will share with you my meeting with Ellen (my PCP/nurse practitioner). Lucy, (the shrink) is 2pm today. So maybe something exciting will happen then.

Ellen, (Yes I do call all these people by their first name. When they start calling me Mr. Schermerhorn I will learn their last names!) is a tall broad woman. She is rather elegant but with the typical 'MainE ac' flair. Unlike the little green fairy hornet from a previous blog...I like how Ellen always coordinates the color of her sock's and top's. She is probably in her early 60's. And appears to be developing a bit of a hunch in her upper back. She is always pleasant and appears happy to see me. (key word appears) This particular visit was a routine follow up visit. I generally meet with her once every two weeks. When I saw her. I remembered the reason I was there on a Monday vs. a Friday this time. Ellen was a fabulous dark gold tan. She had been on vacation for two weeks. "Oh you look great!" I said when I met her at the door. "Thanks, I feel even better!" She went on to tell me how she was rock climbing somewhere in Arizona. To this I rolled  my eyes. And remembered I might have the swine flu. I did not want to hear another word about senior citizen's dangling off of a sun drenched cliff. "That's really close to Mexico." I prepare her for the worse. To this, she rolls her eyes. 

I decided early on that morning that I would not reveal that my throat was swollen and soar. For I feared that I may be quarantined. And I do not know much about the process of being quarantined but, in my mind, it was very similar to being sentenced to prison before you have the chance to prove your innocence. 

"So how are we doing? How has Jowal been feeling?" She asked. "Please don't quarantine me." I begged. "I have a pounding headache, full blown hershy squirts, and my throat is EXTREMELY soar!" I blurt...already with my tongue hanging out saying "AHHHHH". She chuckles lightly withdrawing her blackberry from her pocket. "What are you doing?" I tremble. "Your calling EMAILING THE CDC AREN'T YOU? Your going to have me quarantined?" I said, already putting my jacket back on ready to bolt out the door before the men in white coats get there and strap me down. I knew I could take her down with out a problem if she tried to restrain me. I don't care how many fucking rocks she has been climbing. One swift side way kick in the gut and this momma is going DOWN!!!! "Oh Jowal...you know I keep all my notes on here...here look." she offered me a view of the screen. I decline. And take my seat back on the table. 

After a full exam. We discuss how good my blood pressure is doing with the new meds. Blah Blah Blah. Just when I think we are wrapping up. She says she will send Kelly in just to get a culture done on my throat while she goes and gets me some antibiotic's to take. "Okay, thanks." I said. About 5 minutes later. A nice Irish looking lass called Kelly comes in. "Hi Jole, I am Kelly" she smiles. "This is just going to be a little uncomfortable but I will be as swift as I can okay?" she looks at me for conformation. "Sure, no problem" I say this thinking she has nothing on me. I mean  it's been a long time since I have had a throat culture but, come on who are we kidding here? I am no stranger to getting the occasional tonsil's tickled ey? "I just need you to lay back and put your shoulders down and relax" she says with another Irish smile. "Huh?" I quiz. "Why do I need to lay back?' I ask. "I just need need to get a clear view up your nostril's" She smiles and tilts her head. Then I notice she is not holding an extended wood Q-tip. But, A wire with a small ball on the end of it. I don't even know if it was cotton. "Well why do you have to look up my nostrils to get a culture from my throat? I don't understand." I ask puzzled. "Oh this is just a more effective procedure for the test." she said. And after about 2 or 3 minutes of my badgering questions I say. "Well...I don't think I should like the new more effective procedure. I don't see why you can't just swab the back of my throat and call it a day." She looks at me with a long blank stare as I smile back. "Okay" she says. Just then Ellen comes in the door with the bottle of pills. Kelly and I both stare at her like we are little children waiting for someone to decide. "I should like to have an old fashioned throat swab Ellen. I do not particularly fancy this new up the nose method." I break the silence while standing my ground. "Oh come on." She says. "I will only take 10 seconds. All you will feel is like you may sneeze." After I ponder this for about 20 seconds I agree and lie back. Ellen then grabs the coil of wire and approaches  my nose. "Just relax" she says. "Close your eyes" I obey. She makes it about half way up my right nostril and I decide to change my mind. I immediately reach to her arm and using only a bit of force begin the withdraw. Ellen challenges my physical request uses her other arm around the top of my head down to my shoulder on the left restraining my neck from movement. And still managing to block my hand from grabbing the object sill half way up my nose. "Kelly hold down his other hand" she says. Kelly grabs my other hand but not with a lot of force. And before I had a chance to plan my strategy. The wire was up my nose and in my throat, withdrawn and in the next nostril for a repeat performance. "Good Job Jowal" Ellen says with the utmost sarcasm. As I waited for the sneeze that never came I glared at her. I wanted to execute the side way kick after all. But, I knew. If she wanted to quarantine me...she would...I had no recourse!