Ok so...Sunday School has ended. Let me review my notes real quick.
KK- So I don't really know a lot of the terminology used in a church setting. So bare with me.
So upstairs I expected there to be lots of singing dancing in the isles that sort of thing. Since I was already disappointed that there were no snakes...I tried not to get to excited about what lies ahead. I took my seat close to the door. I explained to TJ that I wanted to be as close the door as possible in case there was a fire or something. By now it was 9:45 and 'service' was well under way. Little did I know that it was Palm Sunday. And that this would later become a real problem for me.
I noticed that there were still plenty of people wearing shades so I left mine on. Surely they would be mistaken for tinted lenses anyhow. Not that I really cared. As time went on I started to feel more and more insecure. I started twitch and became very restless. I could barely hear a word that was being said. As I started to fade in and out and payed less attention. I wondered if I could enlighten things somehow. I thought maybe I should take to the stage behind the reverend and take to a microphone and start singing songs of joy in baritone. Maybe I could even find a clever way to harmonize to his ever so increasingly boring words.
I decided then that there truly must be something wrong with me. Why have I not found God? How come I am so bored? Frustrated even for being there. I felt fraudulent. Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I never will.
By 11:30 I had gone purely mad. I was beside myself with anger for ever agreeing to do this. So I put my arm around TJ and whispered in her ear..."how much fucking longer is this going to take?" Her eyes widened the size of silver dollars. Her mouth fell to the floor. And so did the scarf she was clinging to. As I bent to pick up the scarf I looked at her and she seemed completely stunned. "What?" I asked. "you can't say that word in here" she said. "what word? fuck?" I noticed she was looking around with her mouth agape. So I took a look around. About 75% of the church goers were looking at me. This is it I though. I've really done it now. Then she tugged my arm and told me how it was Palm Sunday and 'communion' will start at noon. Is she fucking kidding me with this I thought? But when I thought it...I felt like the entire church heard it. Again I felt challenged. Ok strike me dead. I started to imagine how cool it would be if the lightning that is without doubt at this point going to come and strike me down...instead would grab me by one toe and my nipple ring and suspend me. Levitate me. How cool would that be?
There was no way I could stay past noon. Or even till noon. I had never felt so uncomfortable or so out of place. So I pondered my escape. But I needed drama. And still had to be available to help TJ with her food. What could I do? I wished that I had forgotten my Blood pressure meds this morning. Then maybe I would have a nose bleed by now. A nose bleed YES!!! So I stuck my finger up my left nostril. Yep, the scabs are still there. Generally, when I have prolonged sinus infections...that with the combination of dry heat creates scab's on the inside of my nose. And I know that if I pick one of them there will definitely be a rush of blood. SOOO I pondered this for only a few seconds. My only other option was to have one of my imaginary Campbell soup commercial fits on the floor. But that would be to dramatic. Fuck it I thought. And I didn't care if God or anyone else COULD here me. I planted my thumb up my nose and my index finger on the outside of my nostril. Grabbed the scab with my thumb nail and ripped it off! It took all of about 3 seconds before the blood was all washed over my mouth and dripping off my chin. I stood there smiling hoping it was also on my teeth for added effect...but acting as if I knew not a thing. "OH MY GOSH" TJ blurts fumbling for a tissue. "Joel, your nose is bleeding really bad, here is a kleenex." "Oh my" I said. "I will meet you out side after to help you with the food!"
The End
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